


I'm Sorry I Didn't Message You (I'm a Coward)

by Yuritopia



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/F, Requited Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23326402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuritopia/pseuds/Yuritopia
Summary: Hyejoo chooses to drift from Chaewon, thinking that the end of their friendship is better than the rejection that she expects to receive.
Relationships: Park Chaewon | Go Won/Son Hyejoo | Olivia Hye
Comments: 7
Kudos: 43





	I'm Sorry I Didn't Message You (I'm a Coward)

Hyejoo acted like she didn’t care, but she did. She used lethargy as a facade to hide how much she truly cared because expressing her emotion scared her. So when Chaewon moved for university, she acted like it didn’t bother her, even if Chaewon wanted her to show some sort of sadness. Then when they stopped talking, Hyejoo never pursued her, even if both of them wanted to stay in contact. 

Chaewon had always been the first to approach, the first to message, the first to initiate. And when one day she stopped doing so, Hyejoo thought that she was tired of the unreciprocated attempts at conversation. 

If Hyejoo was Chaewon she would have stopped talking to herself a long time ago, she thought. There was nothing about herself that she found appealing, she was cold, unremorseful, blunt and silent. 

But Chaewon looked past it and that was why Hyejoo loved her, but no matter how much she tried to change for Chaewon, to be the person she deserved to be with, it never happened. 

She was scared that one day she would change, confess and get her heartbroken. It had happened before with Yerim. Chaewon was someone way more important to her than Yerim had ever been, which was why she had grown a paralyzing fear of having her feelings discovered, in case of rejection.

Their friendship had years and years backing it up, with their first time meeting being when 5-year-old Hyejoo was crying on a playground because 6-year-old Chaewon jumped into a puddle, soaking Hyejoo’s shoes and pants. A rejection would only cause all the trust and memories to crumble, just as it did with Yerim. Hyejoo didn’t want to ruin the relationship and have all their memories and experiences turn into something bitter.

So instead, Hyejoo opted to leave the relationship as it was and part ways, without ever having to confess. This was the best way, she thought, because that way, those memories would never be ruined and tainted. It would stay as the midnight runs to 7/11, where they would buy corn dogs and stargaze together, and not a sad and nostalgic memory after the tragic end of a friendship.

But Hyejoo knew that she was hurting Chaewon by doing this. As such prevalent people in each other’s lives, it was hard to imagine Chaewon having no difficulty easing out of something that was so permanent and constant in their lives. So for that, Hyejoo felt guilty, but she knew that she was doing the right thing. If Hyejoo did tell Chaewon her feelings, knowing her, she would look back on all their past memories together and put all the pieces together, making her feel way worse than their current situation of them drifting apart.

There was a multitude of times where Hyejoo was struck with fear when Chaewon would look into her eyes, almost as though she was piecing things together in her mind. It was those instances when Hyejoo would go cold and unresponsive, in attempts to fool Chaewon from thinking that she had feelings. Though, after a few weeks, Hyejoo would go back to being normal. 

Despite her normal being slightly less silent and cold, Hyejoo would do small things so that it could almost be passed off as ordinary, therefore being unnoticed by Chaewon. But Chaewon always noticed. Chaewon noticed that when they would eat dumplings together and she returned from the washroom that there would be one extra dumpling on her plate, disguised as if it was always there. Hyejoo would say nothing, of course, but she knew it was her. Or when they would go on their evening strolls and every time she would say her hands were cold, Hyejoo would pretend to search for gloves in her bag, even though she knew that Hyejoo would specifically pack gloves for her. 

All of this, she knew, but she never told Hyejoo that she knew. Knowing Hyejoo as a person, if she told her that she knew, Hyejoo would stop doing it. She was complicated like that, but at the same time simple. Chaewon knew that she cared, but she never knew why she cared. Was it love? Or simply platonic feelings? So Chaewon sometimes would study Hyejoo’s face, hoping to see some sort of message that would tell her that her feelings were being reciprocated. But, she could never understand the deep brown that was Hyejoo’s eyes. 

Always hot and cold, always uncaring but suddenly caring. It was hard to understand her and Chaewon had tried so hard to get her to open up. She could have told Hyejoo her feelings, but Hyejoo wasn’t in touch with her feelings and she had the odd feeling that even if the younger felt the same way, she would act like she didn’t. She was always so good at acting like she didn’t care. Just like she had been when Yerim had rejected her. Hyejoo had pretended like she wasn’t hurt and went on with her life. 

It was around this time when Chaewon started to realize her own feelings towards the former. Chaewon fell in love with the Hyejoo that went against all the expectations of others. Hyejoo was actually someone who cared and when she caught her being oddly silent the night after her rejection, she saw moistened eyes. No tears had fallen but that moment of vulnerability was enough to see the true Hyejoo.

But despite getting closer with her and always trying to send the message to Hyejoo that she was someone she could show her emotions to, she never did. God, she cared for Hyejoo so much, it almost scared her. So after that, she had gone ahead to high school first, leaving Hyejoo behind. They still talked a lot and were best friends, but just as it was from primary to middle school, it was slightly different. Each school was a different environment and it was hard to find some common ground at some times. But during those times, Hyejoo would bring out her Wii and the two of them would just play Mario Kart until it wasn’t awkward. 

She had promised herself that when she had entered her second year of high school, with Hyejoo entering her first, that she would tell her, but she had gotten cold feet. Then she said the same thing when she finished her second year, and then the same when she graduated high school. She never ended up telling Hyejoo her feelings. Chaewon ended up moving an hour away from their hometown to Seoul. Close enough to see Hyejoo on the weekends, but not close enough to have their nightly walks together. 

It had been hard for Chaewon, not being able to see Hyejoo every day. She could tell it was hard for Hyejoo too because of the occasional message exchanges she would have with Hyejoo’s mom. She had become almost silent, she left her house less and didn’t even let out her occasional smile. Chaewon tried to make up for this distance with texting with more vigour and frequency, but as she did that, she found that Hyejoo started replying less and less. Hyejoo even stopped messaging her first. Chaewon was hurt at first but she could understand why Hyejoo acted the way she did. Hyejoo had mentioned her grievances about being a year younger than Chaewon once. It was the rare time when Hyejoo expressed her feelings, and it helped her understand the feelings that the younger one was probably feeling now. 

No matter how similar they were and how much they wanted to be together, Hyejoo was always lagging behind her. And even though in the long run when they were both old, a year would be nothing, now, it was a big deal and Hyejoo felt alone because of it. 

Whenever the younger felt alone, she distanced herself even further, which always had confused Chaewon. Chaewon assumed it had to with the fact that she didn’t want to give in to her feelings, Hyejoo had always been stubborn like that.

Eventually, weeks had passed without either of them sending a text message to each other and Chaewon had stopped returning to her hometown on the weekends because of the intensity of her program. Weeks turned into a month and Chaewon expected for at least one message. She would go onto her phone at around 9 p.m., the time when they would always call. 

Hyejoo never called.

When it had hit two months, Chaewon decided to write a letter to her. It felt more intimate than texting but at the same time, it was less scary than hearing Hyejoo’s voice on the phone or seeing her in person.

Chaewon spent four hours on the letter, constantly ripping up letters when she deemed them as not perfect. It was hard to fully express her feelings on paper. She couldn’t find the right words to explain why she cared so much. Hyejoo was just Hyejoo and there was just too much to write about to explain why she liked her so much. Eventually, she had settled for a short but concise letter. She folded the letter in half carefully and placed it in an envelope with “To Hyejoo” written on the front.

She never sent out the letter, she had gotten scared again. But she firmly told herself, and by firmly she knew that she would follow through with it, that if Hyejoo messaged or called her first, she would send it out the next day.

Even when Chaewon returned back to their hometown, Chaewon didn’t message her to meet up with Hyejoo. And Hyejoo, who knew that Chaewon was in town because of her own mom, never reached out either.

Two months had turned into half a year and still nothing.

Chaewon was disappointed but had expected it, after all, it was her own fault.

\--------

Eight months passed when Hyejoo found out from her mom that Chaewon had died, she didn’t cry. She was sad, so so so very sad. But she couldn’t cry. Nothing would come out. She just felt empty.

The police report said she had died around 9:15 p.m., around the time they would usually call, when two men followed her out of 7/11 and robbed her. Undoubtedly because she probably wanted a corn dog. Old habits die hard, Hyejoo guessed. 

Chaewon had resisted during the robbery which resulted in more than necessary force.

Maybe if she had called Chaewon that night, she would still be alive. She always tried to stop Chaewon from eating the corn dogs, with her sometimes being successful at preventing her from eating so much.

Having those thoughts were useless though and Hyejoo always tried to steer her guilt-ridden mind clear of the topic.

When Hyejoo was offered the opportunity to speak about Chaewon, she had rejected the offer. She wasn’t sure what she would even say. Would she introduce her as her best friend? It felt wrong to just say best friend when she had been something much more than just a best friend.

At the funeral, everyone around her was crying. Her own family, Chaewon’s family, all their mutual friends, and even some university classmates she didn’t know, everyone sobbed. It felt like Hyejoo was the only one who didn’t cry.

Not a single day passed without Hyejoo thinking about Chaewon and although she never expressed her thoughts and feelings about Chaewon’s passing, everyone knew how much it had impacted her.

She never left her room anymore besides school and the bathroom. Her parents stopped expecting her at the dinner table and instead started to leave her food at the door.

She never was at school for more than three days. After three days, it felt so oppressing. She would look at her surroundings and see the spots around school where she had memories of Chaewon doing something dumb and cute. 

It was too much, which is why she started to skip school.

When she found it too much, she would leave, sometimes in the middle of the day, to the arcade or a computer cafe, where she would do nothing but game in silence.

It was after she started failing tests when her parents confronted her.

“You can’t keep skipping, Hyejoo!” her father yelled. Hyejoo, who had expected this to happen someday, just kept silent throughout the entire lecture. But she didn’t expect her father to say softly, almost in a pitiful way, “Chae wouldn’t want you to be like this.”

Something in Hyejoo snapped.

“HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT CHAEWON WANTS?” she screamed. Her eyes saw red and her body wouldn’t stop trembling.

Both her parents kept silent after that.

It had been a week after that when her mom knocked on her door one day.

“Hyejoo? Sweetie? I got something from Chaewon’s mom today, it’s for you. They found it amongst her stuff from her dorm”

When Hyejoo reluctantly opened the door, she saw a letter. She snatched the letter before closing the door abruptly. 

She had ignored the sigh that came from outside her door.

On the envelope was Chaewon’s cute writing simply stating, “To Hyejoo,” and just reading her name made her hands start to tremble. She was scared about the contents of the letter because she had no idea what to expect. She swallowed her fears and slowly began to open the envelope before she began to slowly read,

“To Hyejoo,

I love you, and not in a platonic sort of way, I mean in a romantic way.

I think about you so much, I don’t think a single day has gone by since we stopped talking to each other where I didn’t think about you.

I know that you care too. I know you, Hyejoo. You’re the most caring and kind person I’ve ever met, even if you don’t want anyone to know. I know how you would give me your dumplings, how you would give me the most comfortable pillow when I slept over, how you would pack extra gloves just for me, I know everything you did for me.

When I returned to our hometown during my break, I often found myself walking towards the playground where we would hang out and first met at. I miss being there with you.

I understood why you were upset and I’m sorry that I didn’t keep messaging you. 

I know I left you behind and I know a year is a long time. But in the future, when we both graduate from university, it’ll be nothing.

I want you to be in my future and I’m sorry for being a coward and not telling this to you in person. I know you hate people who aren’t upfront, even if sometimes you aren’t.

I love you,

Park Chaewon”

Hyejoo was shaking uncontrollably by the end. She crumpled up the letter and threw it onto the ground.

“You idiot, why didn’t you send this to me?”

\--------

Hyejoo soon found herself by the playground where they first met when her first tears began to drop. Surprisingly, the playground was almost empty.

She had left suddenly and her parents, understanding that something sentimental must have been in the letter, allowed her to leave without any further questions.

She stood in the exact spot where Chaewon had jumped into the puddle when she began to sob. The few kids on the playground stared at her, but nobody approached her.

“I’m sorry.”

“I should have kept messaging you.”

Despite being in hysterics, she almost wanted to laugh. Of course, Chaewon’s thoughts about them drifting apart was her blaming herself. Chaewon’s reasoning had been wrong in every aspect though. It had not been because of the age gap between the two, but rather that Hyejoo had had feelings that she idiotically wanted to suppress.

“I’m so stupid.”

“I lost her.”

“I’m a coward.”

\--------

An hour had gone by before she started to calm down. She had left her spot at the puddle and instead seated herself in the swings where they would eat the corn dogs that Chaewon begged Hyejoo to buy for her, even though she was younger.

It was a swing set where only two people could be seated. Hyejoo always sat on the swing on the left and Chaewon on the right, both facing the playground to watch the lively kids play and banter.

Hyejoo sat in her regular spot and the dampness on her cheeks began to disappear.

She sat in silence while she looked at the sun starting to set from over the top of the playground. Just like how she used to with Chaewon.

She felt like an idiot. Chaewon had seen through her. She had known everything that she had done and it could have been so easy to message her, to call her and to most importantly, confess to her.

She could have been alive, or maybe it wouldn’t have changed anything. But at least her final moments could have been with Hyejoo. Sadly, thinking about this now wouldn’t change anything. She didn’t have a second chance, Chaewon was dead and it was her fault. 

She returned home late at night, way past when all the kids headed back home, she was quiet, trying not to wake up her parents that were most likely sleeping. And when she entered her room she had picked up the crumpled letter from her floor and tried her best to uncrease it with no success. She held it in her hands and imagined Chaewon writing this. 

She had probably taken a very long time to write this, she guessed. Chaewon was always the type to be careful about how she expressed herself, even if she was a chronic jokester.

She sighed, feeling the tears begin to well while looking at the last lines of the letter. The least she could do was give her an answer, even if she wasn’t there.

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, I'm sorry for doing this to you. I felt really sad when writing this but I've been reading so much angst recently and I just really wanted everyone else to feel sad with me.
> 
> Also: the title of this fic is supposed to be not only about how Hyejoo was a coward but also how Chaewon was a coward.
> 
> Useless lesbians haha :(


End file.
